POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in anoften chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately.On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.. Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciatedfor the fabulous job they do ... or forward with loveto anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE--- THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! ** If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Happy Mom
I feel so good today! Been smiling all afternoon. I remembered from the past 2 years that January is when my daughter's school provides parents the progress reports of their kids. We just got my youngest daughter's progress report, she is in preschool and is age-ok for kindergarten already, I mean would be age-ok by the Fall semester.
Here in California, most schools allow children to go to kindergarten as long as they meet the age requirement --- they have to be at least 5 by December 15 of the academic year on which they plan to enter kindergarten. Since we're on the topic, my eldest daughter missed that cut-off the other year, so by the time she entered kindergarten (last year September) she was already 5 1/2 (she wasn't 5 'til January of last year). She was on the older group. However, we are very proud parents (may I say) because about 6 weeks into kindergarten, she was recognized by her teachers, the rest of her kindergarten class, and no less than their principal for being able to read like a grade 2 student, and for having been able to pass all the tests given to her (to see if she meets curriculum) ---- she was promoted to 1st grade. So now, my daughter who just turned 6, is in 1st grade. Now she's in the younger group.
Going back to my preschooler, I've been worried because she's only been going to school 2 days a week. I felt as though I was short-changing her because I felt that I haven't been pounding academics on her. Well, it's not as easy when you're trying to manage a household, dishes, laundry, food, etc etc while trying to be an A-parent. Another thing is that, she's been more on the independent side too. She can do things on her own, she can play with her kitchen and dolls and be happy. She's more on the creative side and doesn't have the patience to go through math and books, as consistently as you would want her to. Well, that was before she turned 4 though. Lately, I've been noticing that she already knows all her letters (upper and lower case), and knows how to sound them out already. She can count way more than 30s. Guess what we've found out too? She is reading. At least beginning to. She's totally hooked on Hooked on Phonics. Yes, she is starting to read and would even ask you to do it with her. She goes by her schedule you know. Yes, this is my OC daughter, my preschooler who has been recommended for kindergarten based on her progress report.
Hooked on Phonics? I swear by this method. At least for me it's worked. My eldest daughter showed me she was ready to read because she was even reading before I started her on HOP. She was sight reading. The Alpha mom in me of course went through all the materials in what would be the best method, etc etc etc. I used HOP to keep her back onto the phonetic method. They use Zoo Phonics in school and both worked well together. Yes, it works, my youngest daughter who is now 4 is reading --- pat, mat, cat, wag, men, ten, etc etc etc.
I'm happy because my daughters are achieving well in school and at home. The youngest one as I've already mentioned, was recommended for kindergarten in the fall, while the older one continues to receive praises in 1st grade. She is in the top of her class and is showing skills in math and spelling. They remind us to pray before eating and before sleeping. They are respectful of their elders (they have lolos and lolas around them) and they know that when we reprimand and even when they are sent to time-out, it is because we love them and we want them to learn.
Oh well, parenting is indeed a 24/7 job, a job well-loved of course. I won't say we are a perfect family, oh my(*$%@!), that is so far from happening. We have melt-downs everyday, impatience and stress, there are some parts of our house that are always in disarray, we continually lecture and sometimes let things get out-of-hand, the kids cry and sometimes fight too, but.... at the end of the day, we try to make it a point to kiss and make up and remind each other of how much we love each other. This makes us all happy.
Here in California, most schools allow children to go to kindergarten as long as they meet the age requirement --- they have to be at least 5 by December 15 of the academic year on which they plan to enter kindergarten. Since we're on the topic, my eldest daughter missed that cut-off the other year, so by the time she entered kindergarten (last year September) she was already 5 1/2 (she wasn't 5 'til January of last year). She was on the older group. However, we are very proud parents (may I say) because about 6 weeks into kindergarten, she was recognized by her teachers, the rest of her kindergarten class, and no less than their principal for being able to read like a grade 2 student, and for having been able to pass all the tests given to her (to see if she meets curriculum) ---- she was promoted to 1st grade. So now, my daughter who just turned 6, is in 1st grade. Now she's in the younger group.
Going back to my preschooler, I've been worried because she's only been going to school 2 days a week. I felt as though I was short-changing her because I felt that I haven't been pounding academics on her. Well, it's not as easy when you're trying to manage a household, dishes, laundry, food, etc etc while trying to be an A-parent. Another thing is that, she's been more on the independent side too. She can do things on her own, she can play with her kitchen and dolls and be happy. She's more on the creative side and doesn't have the patience to go through math and books, as consistently as you would want her to. Well, that was before she turned 4 though. Lately, I've been noticing that she already knows all her letters (upper and lower case), and knows how to sound them out already. She can count way more than 30s. Guess what we've found out too? She is reading. At least beginning to. She's totally hooked on Hooked on Phonics. Yes, she is starting to read and would even ask you to do it with her. She goes by her schedule you know. Yes, this is my OC daughter, my preschooler who has been recommended for kindergarten based on her progress report.
Hooked on Phonics? I swear by this method. At least for me it's worked. My eldest daughter showed me she was ready to read because she was even reading before I started her on HOP. She was sight reading. The Alpha mom in me of course went through all the materials in what would be the best method, etc etc etc. I used HOP to keep her back onto the phonetic method. They use Zoo Phonics in school and both worked well together. Yes, it works, my youngest daughter who is now 4 is reading --- pat, mat, cat, wag, men, ten, etc etc etc.
I'm happy because my daughters are achieving well in school and at home. The youngest one as I've already mentioned, was recommended for kindergarten in the fall, while the older one continues to receive praises in 1st grade. She is in the top of her class and is showing skills in math and spelling. They remind us to pray before eating and before sleeping. They are respectful of their elders (they have lolos and lolas around them) and they know that when we reprimand and even when they are sent to time-out, it is because we love them and we want them to learn.
Oh well, parenting is indeed a 24/7 job, a job well-loved of course. I won't say we are a perfect family, oh my(*$%@!), that is so far from happening. We have melt-downs everyday, impatience and stress, there are some parts of our house that are always in disarray, we continually lecture and sometimes let things get out-of-hand, the kids cry and sometimes fight too, but.... at the end of the day, we try to make it a point to kiss and make up and remind each other of how much we love each other. This makes us all happy.
Application to Date My Daughter
I saw this on a blog called, "The World According to Manang" --- like her, I am troubled by the thought of my girls going on dates when that time comes. I'm pretty sure their Dad is more than troubled... there probably isn't even a term yet to describe how he feels, just even thinking about it. The legal side of me convinced me then to have this written up now, so that when "that time" comes along... I know exactly where to pull it from.
Here you go.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________
CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _________________________________
If less than your age, explain:___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No p
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your: father? ____________ mother? ___________ pastor? ____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:____________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:____________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, and RED HOT POKERS__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________
________________________________Mother's Signature
________________________________Father's Signature
________________________________Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi
________________________________State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back) . To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up. Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Here you go.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________
CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _________________________________
If less than your age, explain:___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No p
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your: father? ____________ mother? ___________ pastor? ____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:____________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:____________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, and RED HOT POKERS__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________
________________________________Mother's Signature
________________________________Father's Signature
________________________________Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi
________________________________State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back) . To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up. Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Friday, February 01, 2008
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